The One Word You Might Want to Cut Out of Your Vocabulary

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Today, we’re going to be talking about a word that you may want to consider deleting from your vocabulary. Let's see if you can figure out what word I'm talking about. "I should be more organized." "We should be farther along in our curriculum by now." "I shouldn't have snapped at my son." "My daughter should have learned her multiplication tables by now." "I should spend more time with my spouse." "My home should be neater." "Homeschooling shouldn't be this hard." Can you figure out which word I'm talking about? That's right. Should. You know the word should, it just doesn't feel really good. Does it? We need to stop should-ing all over ourselves. The dictionary defines the word, 'should', as one being used to indicate obligation, duty or correctness, typically when criticizing one's actions. Now it's good to want to fulfill a duty and to do our obligation, and to want to do things correctly. But, it's the last part of the definition, which is why the word doesn't feel so great. It's typically used to criticize one's actions. So how do we should all over ourselves? Well, first of all, the word leads to shame. It turns anger inward for all the ways that we are falling short. It has a negative connotation. It's usually referring to something that we're not happy about. 

When we use the word ‘should’, we beat ourselves up because we're not doing things the way we think we ought to. Doing so brings up feelings of inadequacy, which also causes anxiety and leads to self-rejection. Saying what we should have done or who we should be is really just fighting against ourselves. The use of the word ‘should’ also leads to burn out because it makes us feel like we just need to work more or try harder. Stay at home moms today spend an average of 17 hours a week on primary childcare activities, such as reading to or playing with their children. This is a huge increase from the average of 11 hours a week found in a study done in 1975. Our expectations for being a mom have never been greater. We are stretched out to the max and then we feel guilty that we're not able to stretch further. 

The word ‘should’ keeps us in a negative shame cycle. The more shame that we feel, the more our actions pull us away from other people. Shame brings us inward into a negative cycle within ourselves, and then we're not able to be fully present for the people in our lives. The more shame we feel, the more disconnection we feel towards people in our lives, and then the more we pull away, which just makes us feel more ashamed. 

When we think about how the word ‘should’ causes us to shame ourselves, we must also remind ourselves how it makes our children or others in our life feel when we use it with them. By focusing on the negative, you are reinforcing what you don't actually want. Your critical voice is reinforcing your child's own inner critic. By using the word should you're eliminating their personal responsibility. As humans, we all want a choice. We don't want to feel like we have to do something. Try telling your kids, “Now, you don't have to go clean your room. You get to go clean your room.”

Romans 2:4 says, “Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?” We want to speak words that allow people to make the choice to respond in a positive way without feeling obligation, duty, that the word ‘should’ implies. When we speak to our children with kindness, and without shame, we allow them to learn to take ownership and responsibility for their own actions without shaming them. We could use the word could or would when talking to others. For example, you could say, "You could be playing with your toys, if your math was finished." 

One of the ways to break out of the shame cycle is by dropping the word ‘should’ from your vocabulary.  All the mental energy we spend thinking of all the ways we haven’t measured up, or all the things we could have done differently could actually be spent on doing things in the present. We could be using that energy to focus on the people in our lives and the things that we are doing right now. In order to drop the word ‘should' from your vocabulary, start by learning to question your ‘shoulds’. When you say things like, "Oh, I should exercise more." "Oh, I shouldn't eat dessert after supper." Why should you do that? Why do you have this expectation for yourself? Does it match up with the values and priorities you have for your life? Do you feel a certain sense of obligation? Is adding this to your life reasonable considering how much you already have on your plate?

Once you start noticing the word ‘should’ in your everyday language, you’ll be able to start replacing the word ‘should’ with more helpful language. Here are some words that may be helpful to use instead. Words like will, would, could, or phrases like I have decided, or I would like to. Instead of saying, "I should be better organized, “ try, "I have decided to take steps to be more organized." Instead of saying, "I shouldn't have yelled at my son,” say, "It may be beneficial to communicate more calmly." Remind yourself that, "I have decided homeschooling gets to be easy," instead of “Homeschooling shouldn’t be so hard.” 

These small shifts in the way that we use words have such an impact. The words that we say to ourselves and the words that we say to others can help us change from being reactive and regretful, to proactive and positive. Done will be the second-guessing and self-blame, the cycles of shame. Now you'll be able to be more forward-looking and more hopeful for future possibilities in things you can create in your life.