The One Gift We All Truly Need: Unconditional Love

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I recently did a Holiday Success Bootcamp, and I am sharing one of the lessons from the boot camp that I feel is just so powerful. 

I believe so strongly in the importance of unconditional love, the love that we show our children, the love that we need to show ourselves, and also that it’s possible to show that kind of love even to those difficult people in our lives. This is just such a powerful message in my heart and I wanted to share it all with you before you prepare for Christmas, and I hope it really speaks to you and gives you some practical encouragement and steps that will enable you to show unconditional love as your highest self this holiday season.

 Today we are going to be talking about how to love people unconditionally and how to work through some of those difficult relationships that come up during the holiday season.  I know I'm probably the only one who this applies to,  but is there anyone else here who has a difficult relationship that you're kind of worried about? As you go into this holiday season, there are certain family members, maybe your kids sometimes, and everyone gets all out of sorts with traveling and disruption of routine. It could be even the relationship you have with yourself during the holiday season, and we're going to talk about that today. Okay, I'm not the only person. That's good to know. This was something I learned in my life coaching training and it was just so revolutionary for me.This totally changed my perspective of people and the more that I've practiced this, it really, truly has completely changed my life. 

I wanted to jump in here with  a quote from our lovely Charlotte Mason,  she said, "Actions do speak louder than words to a young heart; he must feel it in your touch, see it in your eye, hear it in your tones, or you will never convince child or boy that you love him, though you labor day and night for his good and pleasure. Perhaps this is the special lesson of Christmas tide for parents.  The son came- for what else we need not inquire now- to reinstate men by compelling them to believe that they- the poorest, shrinking and ashamed souls of them- that they live enfolded in infinite personal love, desiring with desire the response of love for love.  And who, like the parent, can help forward this "wonderful redemption"?  The boy who knows that his father and his mother love him with measureless patience in his faults and love him out of them  is not slow to perceive, receive, and understand the dealings of the higher love." (Vol 5, Pg 117). 

Actions speak louder than words to a young heart. We could buy the best presents, we can schedule all these activities, and we can have our Christmas school stuff all planned out; but what matters most to our children is that they feel our love, they can see our love, they hear it in our tone.  As she goes on to say here, "you'll never convince a child or boy that you love him, even if you're laboring day and night," if they don't see and feel your love.  Ooh, that's convicting, isn't it? And this is such a special lesson for Christmas and what we're talking about here because this truly is the essence of Christmas, right? 

Even though we are so undeserving, God sent his son for us.  This is unconditional love. It's not because of anything that we've done.  It's not because we deserve it. It's not because we got our act together. It's just God's gracious outpouring of love, and so we need to remind ourselves of that first for ourselves, and then we can extend that unconditional love and grace to other people. 

She goes on to say in the rest of this quote, "Let your children feel and see and be quite sure that you love them.  We do not suggest endearments in public, which the young folk cannot always abide. But dear mother, take your big school girl in your arms just once in the holidays, and let her have a good talk all to your two selves; it will be to her like a meal to a hungry man. For the youths and maidens- remember they would sell their souls for love; and they do it too and that is the reason many of the ruined lives we sigh over." 

 I think it's really tempting as our kids get older to not include as many special things around the holidays because, well, they're bigger and we feel like that stuff doesn't matter anymore. Maybe they're not going to want to read this Christmas book, or make this craft or something like that, but you know what I found with my teenagers, even my young adult children, they actually really still do love to do those things. 

I brought out the Christmas picture books. My youngest is now 13. So I have from 13 up to 22, and they were all googly over these picture books.  We haven't read them consistently in several years. They were just so, "Oh, remember this one? Oh, I love this." You know,  they still like to bake cookies. They still like to go look at lights and do those silly things,  but what they really need is some one on one attention with you, especially when they get to the teen years. 

  I have really made it a priority talking about some of these non-negotiables in probably the past 5 or 6 years, to spend one on one time with each child during the holiday season. So that's why it's so important to kind of plan out and think through what are your non negotiables? What are your priorities? So I can take a lot of these other activities off our plate and go, that's not important, that's not important, that's not important. And say  It might be as simple as, "hey, you want to go to Starbucks and get a cup of coffee?" Or, "hey, I'm running to Walmart because we're out of flour. You want to come with me?" Like, it can be very simple. Remember, we're doing the, “how can we make this fun and easy?”  But it might be like there, you know, it was one year I asked one of my kids,  "what do you really want to do?" I'd love to spend some time with you. And just the two of us went ice skating together.

One year, my son and I went on a bike ride together, like just the two of us. So again, when you have lots of kids, that can seem very overwhelming. So it can just be these small little things, but trying to find time one on one to talk to your child during this holiday season and let them know that they are loved  and that they are loved unconditionally. So even when they've had too much sugar and they're cranky, or they're throwing a fit at grandma's house, or they lost the thing that they're supposed to have packed, or they're taking their time getting in the car, or they can't find their winter coat.  You are showing them this unconditional love, regardless because that's how God loves us. 

And I think this is really key.  So unconditional love is the magic that will transform your holiday.  It doesn't mean that you are okay with what happened.  It's not approving of something. Okay. So when God shows his unconditional love to us, he's not like, "oh my goodness, I'm so glad that you lied about that thing yesterday." Julie, like, no, God still holds me accountable for my actions, but he shows me unconditional love  anyway. And what that unconditional love does is it draws me to him. Right. I love that verse.  It's God's loving kindness that leads to repentance.  It's that love that draws us close and it's that love that's going to draw your kids close during this holiday time when really,  we really need to put ourselves in our kids shoes sometimes  because their routines are all out of whack. Like I said, they have too much sugar. They're not sleeping well. They might be sleeping like 2 to a bed at grandma's house or something like that. Or you might have had to drive all through the night. Right. And we, as adults have trouble with that kind of stuff. 

I was just on a trip last weekend and the bed was so uncomfortable at the Airbnb and I'm like, Oh, my goodness.  And I'm a grown up. Right? So little children, it's even harder.  We need to put ourselves in their shoes and be like, yeah, this is hard.  I'm here for you  and have that empathy and show them that loving kindness. What can I do for you when you're throwing this fit? Because you don't want to eat the casserole that grandma made,  bringing your child away, just loving on them. What can I do to help?   And I think that's so key. 

So let's talk about not just our children, because even when they can do some things that are really irritating.  It's a lot easier to sometimes show that unconditional love to our children than it is to some other family members.  So this is really key. This was like that light bulb moment I was saying in my coaching when I heard this.  "The quality of our thoughts about another person determines the quality of our relationship with them."  I'm going to say it again for the people in the back that didn't hear me. Is this okay? Are you ready? Whatever you're doing, come back to me. You're multitasking. "The quality of our thoughts about another person determines the quality of our relationship with them."  So if we want a better relationship with someone, if we want to experience. A better dynamic with another person, if we just want to feel happy and content and joyful and fun this holiday season,  regardless of what that person does,  it all comes down to our thoughts.

So if you remember this from last time,  and those of you, I know there's lots of you out here that have been in my other coaching program. So you have heard this, but you know what? I literally hear this on a regular basis too. I am telling myself about this constantly and reminding myself of this. So this is what my life coach calls the creation cycle.  It starts with our thoughts, our beliefs, the stories we're telling  and those thoughts cause us to feel certain feelings.  Then based on those feelings, we act a certain way,  and then we're going to get a certain result. 

So, let's talk about, let's think for a minute, a lot of you said you have a difficult person  that came to mind.  Give me some words to describe this person other than difficult.  So put in the chat. What other adjectives would you use to describe this person?  Opinionated, pushy, critical, complaining, uncaring,  cheap,  sensitive, moody, trapped to their phone, selfish, volatile,  selfish, mean.  Good. These are all really good.  Childish, negative. Okay, good.  Condescending. Yep.  Anybody got some people who are rude, maybe?  Lazy?  Can you imagine?  For me?  Alright, so let's, yes, rude, yes, the homeschool haters, yes, we all have those in our families, I think.  Alright, so, when you think  this about that person, that person is so opinionated, that person's so critical, that person's so condescending, that person's so rude, that person is so opinionated. 

How do you feel?  So you might feel this in your body,  depending on what word you're using to describe them, but really hone in on the feeling here. Where are you feeling it to  frustrated, agitated, overwhelmed, devalued, judged. Mm hmm.  Avoiding. Good. Anxious. Yeah.  All right. Like you have a pit in your stomach. That's good. Rollercoaster. Good. Yeah. It's good to describe how your body is feeling for the emotions because sometimes we can't put the words to the emotions, but we can describe how our body is feeling on edge. That's a great picture, right?  Yeah.  So based on that feeling, What  actions  might you take in that situation?  My chest gets tight. I feel nauseous. Yeah. Or like you have a weight on your chest. Yeah. Trapped in my own home. Anxious.  You can feel it in your neck. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I just had to go to the chiropractor yesterday. I have  major neck and shoulder issues. So that's where I always carry my stress. I'm okay. Patricia. I love this. I'm quick to defend myself. So if that person is so opinionated,  right. And I'm frustrated with them,  I'm going to quickly defend myself.

Cause I want to keep myself safe. Okay. If you're feeling very anxious and worried, right. You might be like on edge. Someone described it. So like your actions, right. You're going to try to  control everything. So like that person doesn't explode and we just got to keep everybody happy and we gotta  make sure like I'm running a three wing circus here so I can avoid this thing.   Come irritable with everybody. Yes. Cause when you're anxious and you're on edge and you're worried. It makes you irritable. Definitely. Okay.  Someone said I feel closed off and I withdraw. Yes. So if that person makes you feel like a lot of shame, like you feel judged and instead of  defending yourself, right, that, that fight response, some of us have that flee response and we feel very shamed. We feel guilty. Like I'm trying my best. Why can't they ever be satisfied with the things that I'm doing? And we withdraw.  Okay, good.  So as you're thinking about that, if you're withdrawing from that relationship, if you're withdrawing from that situation, what's going to be the result? 

And I'm not saying it's never good to  leave a conversation or leave a situation that's unhealthy. That's not what I'm saying here. But if you're like, Oh, I'm like, you're withdrawing and  you're putting all the shame on you. That's right, Victoria, you're further disconnected from that person. It also not just that person. It further disconnects you from everyone,  right? If that ever happened to you, where you feel a lot of shame, and you're in your own head, and you're feeling all these feelings, and your kid come up to you, and you just  snap at your kid. It had nothing to do with your kid, right? 

But because you are feeling so disconnected, and you're feeling all these big feelings in yourself, you can't deal with what's right here in front of you.  Yeah, it damages your family relationships for sure.  Let's say you get really frustrated. You're really angry. Like, how dare you tell me how to live my life. Look at your life.  And now you're going to go on the defensive and you're gonna,  you might lash out in anger. You might say things about them that you really don't want to say. You might not say them to your face, but you're going to go get cousin so and so and be like, can you believe uncle Jimmy just said, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Right? We got to get some other people on our side here sometimes.  Yeah.  What result is that going to lead to? Let's say you blow up at Uncle Jimmy. He says something rude. How  dare you say that?  What result is that going to lead to?  Regret, discontent. Yeah, further discord. Everyone, like you can cut the tension with a knife. You ever had that feeling? Awkwardness. Exactly. Everybody's like, Ooh.  Now think about this for a second. This is what was so eye opening.  

When you are the one now lashing out in anger,  when you are the one making things really tense,  who is the problem?   Who are you becoming?  When you feel so much shame and you feel so uncomfortable and you withdraw  and you're not present for your kids and you're not present for your family and you're not showing that unconditional love? Who has the problem?  That's right. We become what we think of others. That is right, Sherry. That was why I was like so mind blown. I'm like, Oh my goodness, I'm becoming the person that I have the problem with.  Like Taylor Swift says, right? "Hi, it's me. I'm the problem. It's me." Right?  Not saying that they're not doing anything wrong. That's not what I'm saying.  What they're doing can be very, very wrong. We're not approving it.  It's still wrong.  But we don't want to become them.

  So how do we stop that? This cycle, right?  It comes down to our thoughts  and what we're thinking. Because if we're thinking that person is so difficult, that person is so rude, that person is so opinionated, our brain wants to prove us right.  We like to be right, don't we? So your brain is going to really help you out, because it's working for you.  Sometimes it's working against you, but it thinks it's working for you. And so it's going to find all the reasons why this person is difficult, and all the reasons why this person is rude, and all the reasons why this person is so toxic.  It's going to find more and more of those reasons to help you be right. 

So let's take, let's do a little experiment here to kind of show you what I'm talking about. Okay, I want you to look around your room right now, or wherever you are, and find some things that are brown,  okay?  Can you find something that's brown?  Maybe more than like one thing? Can you find another brown thing?  And another brown thing.  Everyone have a brown thing?  All right, in the chat, type something that's blue  that you saw.  Was that hard?  Yes!  You're right! You're thinking about all the brown things, all the brown things, all the brown things, and then I say, name something blue, and your brain goes,  Wait, wait, I was looking for blue! Now I gotta go find something blue, right?  So our brains have this lovely filtering device where it filters out the things that are important, because we can't take on all this sensory data all the time. 

And so,  when we are telling ourselves, Something our brain wants to find evidence, like I said, to support that, so it'll find, okay, what's wrong, what's wrong, what's wrong, what's wrong, what's wrong, and then you're like, what's right? So when it comes to this person,  if we're going to change how we're showing up,  because really, when our focus is on them, the person that we're hurting is ourselves.  We are giving them way too much power  over us. I love this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt. She says, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." 

So one of the things I have trained myself to think is I am not available to be offended.  Remember yesterday I told you one of my things was I'm not available for overwhelm.  So one of my other ones is I'm not available to be offended.  Does that mean the person probably should have said that? Did they say something rude?  But I don't need to prove it right. I just go, yeah, I'm not available to be offended by that.  Because when I  say, "Oh my gosh, I cannot believe they said that. That is so hurtful." And I take all that shame and that guilt upon myself. The only person I'm hurting is myself.  When they say something rude and I defend myself back to them and I say something that I didn't really want to say that was really hurtful and now the whole room's awkward. 

Who's hurting?  Myself. They're completely fine. Right? They are,  they don't even know half the time. They might have said something and they just walk out of the room and they're completely fine. And you're over there like, you know, mess, right?  This is what's hurting you.  And so I've had to learn, like, Okay. I don't need to take this personally. I have a choice.  I can choose how I want to respond in this situation. I am not giving them all the power to determine my mood, to determine my response, to determine whether I have a good holiday or not.  They don't deserve that power. Okay. If we allow them to have that power, we are making ourselves a victim.

We are letting them control us.  So we don't want to give him that power. We are taking our power back  and I am going to choose  to not take that personally.  I'm going to choose to just leave this conversation right now  because I have that power within myself. You cannot make me feel inferior without my permission. And right now I'm saying no.  Our brains, like I said, they like to be right. So we like to find evidence, right? It's  imagine like you're going in front of  a judge and you're like,  let me tell you how rude this person is. Let me tell you how difficult this person is. You have no idea. "This person is so volatile." "Last year they did blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." "And then two weeks ago they did da, da, da, da, da." You know what? It doesn't have to be a judge. Sometimes it's their other family members. Like I said, right? Like you're calling your mom and being like, "Oh my goodness. Can you, can you believe my sister did da, da, da, da, da, da," because we like to be right. 

We are wasting so much energy.  around that person. And again, that person's completely fine.  Our lives are too short to waste our energy  on that person.  Just think about that. If you had all that energy and all that time back, think of all the things you could do, right? God has put you here for a limited time with the gifts and resources that you have to make an impact for us. Can you stop wasting it on that person? Because you know what? You feeling bad about it,  you worrying about it, you trying to control everything about it.  is not going to change that other person.  The only thing that's going to change that dynamic is how you are showing up when you start to think differently about that person.

 So  let's go back to this.  Now, I'm not going to ask you to think that like your mother in law is now the nicest, kindest person or your uncle, man, he's so nice. He's like Mr. Rogers. Okay. If he has  an anger temper issues, right? So like, we're not going to go there. Okay, because your brain's going to be like, that is not true. Okay. I don't know what you're doing, but like, come on, girl. That's just,  I want you to think this.  What is the next kindest  I can think about that person.  So we don't need to go from  0 to 100.  We can go from  0 to 5.  Okay, so instead of that person being volatile, difficult, opinionated, rude, hostile,  toxic, whatever adjective you used, right? 

What's the next kindest thought?  You could think about that person, and this is going to be very hard for some people, right?  It might be that your mother in law makes really nice cookies.  It might be that Uncle Jim always has a matching tie on Christmas.  It might be that your cousin always remembers to buy you a gift. Whatever it is, right? Or that they're really kind to their kids. Find something.  Yes, they need Jesus. Yes. And I think about that sometimes, you know, if we were all, if Jesus was sitting around our Thanksgiving dinner table,  what would he have to say about uncle Jimmy?  What would he have to say about my sister? 

I mean, I think Jesus would say,  just you wait,  you don't know what I'm going to do in that person's life.  And you continuing to show up for that person. And love that person,  you are beating my hands and feet.  I love that line from the musical Les Mis, where Jean Valjean says, "to love another person is to see the face of God."  And sometimes we can't see it, and we really need help. And Jesus, please show me something kind about this person.  And it's okay to ask that, right?  And when we start to think different.  It changes how we feel.  I love to get curious about people. I,  I'm like,  Why is Uncle Jimmy like that?  I wonder what his life is like.  I wonder what happens daily at his work.  I wonder  what my mother in law's childhood was like. 

And you might never know the answers, right? But when you get curious  It helps you feel more empathy towards them. And sometimes  if somebody cuts me off in traffic instead of  getting mad, I'm always like, "Oh my goodness, I bet they're late for something super important. I wonder if there's, they're having a baby in that car cause they're going a hundred miles an hour." Like I just make up stuff. Like a lady at the Walmart that was super rude to me, man.  I wonder if somebody yelled at her at her work today.  I wonder if her husband's really mean to her.  I Just kind of wonder, because it helps me have compassion for them. 

So,  if you think about that person, and you're thinking the next kindest thought, or you're curious, or you're fascinated, or you're wondering, right,  how do you feel?  That lady cut me off and I could be really angry about it, right? And be like, that person's a horrible driver.  But by thinking, Oh, I wonder if they're like on their way to something super important.  I don't feel stressed at all. Right? I actually now have compassion towards them.  And when you have compassion, you can build that unconditional love.  And when, yeah, Sally, more empathetic, more calm. And when you're coming from a place of love,  how might you act when they say something that's really rude? 

Oh,  hmm.  I wonder what made them say that.  I'm not going to yell back. I'm not going to go in the room and be upset and cry because they said something that hurt my feelings. I am not going to give them that power, right? I'm not going to let them hurt me without my permission. I'm not going to take it personally, right? I am not available to be offended.  But now,  I might go away, I might cry for a little bit, okay, so  I'm just being honest.  There's definitely been situations where this has happened, and I, like, "ooh, ooh, ooh, that hurt, ooh, ooh," you know? And usually, it's because I'm making up some story about what that means, the thing that they said, and it means this, and they hate that about me, and blah, blah, blah, you know, and I'll go to the bathroom, and I'll, and I'll cry for a few minutes, and I say, "I have a choice right now,  I can mope and pout the rest of the day, because this person hurt my feelings,  Or, I can go back out there,  I can give the person the benefit of the doubt, I can not take it personally,  and you know what? I'm going to go have a really great time."  And I do! And afterward, I mean this happens so many times,  afterward  I'm so grateful I didn't let that one moment  define the whole rest of this experience.   That's right, you might be the only person that's kind to them that day.  Especially if this, especially with family dynamics, y'all, because we get into these patterns, and this is how, always how that person has shown up. 

And maybe they don't want to show up that way, but they don't know how to show up different.  Maybe in their heart, they really want connection. But they're so scared of it, and they've had so many hurtful things happen in their life, that they only know how to be rude.  They have this big wall in front of their heart,  and by you not taking it personally,  you not acting the way they've always expected people to act towards them,  that's shocking to some people.  But that's when those kind of walls and those bricks can be broken down.  

 All right, I want you to focus instead  on what's the next kindest thought you can think about this person,  and  What do you want to create instead? What results do you want instead?  So is it, is it that we just are neutral?  Right?

It doesn't have to be that we're all lovey dovey and hugging each other. We're just going to go for neutral here. No big explosions, right? I'm not going to worry about the explosions or try to control everything. I'm going to be myself. I'm going to be relaxed. I'm going to be calm.  But really, I just, we're going for neutral here. Or maybe it is , I'm just going to create the most magical Christmas for my kids. And the way that I do that is I keep showing up as my most loving kind of self. And that's going to be my result. And that's what I'm going to pour my energy into. I'm not going to spend my energy in the kitchen complaining about so and so and trying to get my other family to agree with me that, "Oh my goodness, can you believe they said that? That is so mean. Oh my gosh."  

I don't want to waste my energy there. I want to put my energy towards the things I actually do want to create.  So think through that. What do you want to create this holiday?  And then  how will you bring your most loving nourishing self to fill in the blank.  

  How will you bring your most loving, nourishing self to your kid's  Christmas show?  How will you bring your most loving, nourishing self to the work Christmas party? How will you bring your most loving, nourishing self to the church program? Whatever it is for you,  asking yourself this question is so powerful because it really does change your thinking  to go instead of focusing on the negative, focusing on what it is you actually do want to create.  And we do that by the way that we think, remember?

And so that's why it's so important to take our thoughts captive during the holiday season and schedule time to actually sit with your thoughts.  Because we get so busy doing, doing, doing, doing, doing  that we forget to be human beings.  And let ourselves actually think and feel and journal. And that is so key. I think I said yesterday about just going and sitting for five minutes outside. Just be still  and breathe. And that is when God can talk to you and you can learn to change how you're thinking. 

Another person that we need to show unconditional love to this holiday season  is ourselves.  John Eldridge said, "The way you treat your own heart is the way you'll end up treating everyone else's." (Get Your Life Back, pg 55)

That's me when I was a little girl. I think I was four or five. That's my dad. So it's the 70s. He's got a really cool hairdo.   And my dad made me that little cradle, which I still have at my parents house. It's been broken because my kids  have stood on it lots of times and my dad just had to fix it. But it is still one of my most precious memories because it's something my dad made for me.  And he made me lots of other Christmas presents as well. We didn't have a lot of money growing up, so he made a lot and my mom made a lot. She sewed that little blanket that was in that in the cradle there. 

   One of the things my counselor told me  was get a picture of yourself when you're little.  And when you start to beat yourself up and say things to yourself that you would never say to another human being,  I want you to look at that picture of yourself and I want you to try to say those words  to yourself as a little child.  And so I encourage you, if you struggle with the things that you say to yourself and the way that you treat yourself.  And showing unconditional love to yourself and grace to yourself when you mess up and you didn't do things the way you thought they should be done, or you forgot to buy so and so a gift, or you yelled at your kids, or you, you know, get mad at Uncle Jimmy  to show unconditional love to yourself, you struggle with that.

I encourage you to get a picture of yourself when you were little.  Because it's so hard, it's so easier, it's so much easier to say those mean things to ourselves in our own head. But when you look at yourself, it will break you because you can't do it  because that little girl doesn't need to be talked to that way and that little girl is still inside of you and she doesn't deserve to be talked to that way either. And just like if someone talked to your kids the way that you talk to yourself sometimes, I mean mama bear would come out. Can I get an amen? You don't talk to Americans that way, what are you doing?  But it's perfectly fine to talk to ourselves that way. We rationalize that, don't we? We're so good at that. 

I used to think If I was kind to myself, it was letting myself off the hook.   If I'm kind to myself and I give myself grace when I mess up, then I'm just gonna be like a lazy bum and just sit around and  watch Netflix all day, eat chocolates, and  never do anything with my life. The only way I can motivate myself is to be mean.  What?  That's right. Do you have anyone in your life that is mean to you that you're like, Yes, what can I do for this person?  How can I make, let me keep doing things to make this person happy who keeps being mean to me.  But we do that to ourselves, which makes no sense. Like I said, like that verse "God's loving kindness leads us to repentance." 

And by being kinder to myself, I actually am more motivated and have more confidence to do the things and take all these risks that I've done in the past couple of years. I would have never done those things before  because I was always beating myself up. There was always this measuring stick, and it's way up here, and I can always tell you the 25 ways that I have fallen short.  But now I can look and go, Oh, I went from here to here. That's pretty awesome. Yeah. And start to celebrate myself and realize that's not being prideful. That's not being selfish.  It's being kind and loving. Just like I would celebrate my kids, right? I don't like when I teach them to ride a bike and they fall. I'm like, "Oh my goodness. I cannot believe you're falling. How dare you? That's ridiculous. You should know. You should know better by now." If you haven't listened to my last podcast episode, it was all about shoulding all over yourself.  We say that stuff to ourselves all the time. It just doesn't make us feel good.

With our kids, you know, they get on the bike and they ride two inches and we're like,  yes!  When they fall, we're like, it's okay.  Why don't we talk to ourselves that way?  So as you're thinking through the holiday season, I want you to ask yourself,  how can I show love to myself right now?  As moms, we are so good at nurturing and caring for our children, right? Our child falls off the bike, what do we do? We go run up there, we get a bandaid, we get the tears, we get the ice pack, and we love and we nurture and we care for them. 

That's part of how God made us as moms.  And we also need to love and nurture ourselves. And so when I am really upset  or really stressed, I ask myself that,  "Hey Julie, what would feel really good to you right now?"  Sometimes Julie wants to go take a bath.  Sometimes Julie wants to sit and watch Netflix and that's okay. Sometimes Julie needs to call a friend. Sometimes I just, I just need to give myself a hug and tell myself you're going to be okay. 

Start to show yourself the same kindness. That you would show to other people. That is a term called self compassion  and it, all it is, is showing yourself the same kindness that you show to everyone else. 

That was a lot for today.   I might need to go back and watch the replay of this one. So we talked about showing unconditional love to our children, making sure that they feel seen and heard, even in the busy times, fighting a little bit of pocket of one on one time is so key.  We talked about showing unconditional love to the people that we have a difficult relationship with and how we can do that by how we're thinking and how that will change the dynamic.

It's not going to change their behavior.  It's going to change how you feel.  So by thinking different thoughts, you're not changing them. You're changing you.  They may never act the way that you want them to act.  I hate to break it to you.  On this side of heaven, you know, or whatever. They may never change, okay? Or you may never get to see them change.  But what changes when you change your thinking is it changed how you show up and it changes your experience.  So if you want to have a holiday season that is fun, is easy, is full of joy, it's full of this magic and this wonder,  you can still have that even if they don't act the way they should or the way that you want,  because you are in control of your own thoughts and how you respond and react.

And then we talked about showing that same  unconditional love and compassion to ourselves and how we need to nurture and love ourselves this holiday time  and turn off the inner critic and turn up the voice of God who is just completely absolutely in love with you and just adores you. Turn up that voice.

Okay.  If you have enjoyed this class. I want to invite you. I am doing a new course that launches in January called the Confident Homeschool Mom. So it brings a lot of the stuff we're talking about. So all of this is like life coaching, principles, mindset,  emotions, relationships, dynamics, those kind of things.  If you want to sign up for the waitlist for that, it's thefeastlife.me/join. If you get on the waitlist, I'll send you some information and you'll get an early bird discount as well.  And I would love to have you join because I love, this is what I love doing.  I love teaching. I love helping moms.

  I love what I made for a gentle feast. I love Charlotte Mason. I love this beautiful philosophy of homeschooling that we have and how it has totally radically changed my family,  but going to these conventions and hugging the homeschool moms.  It just broke my heart. Like some of these conversations, they're so hard on themselves and they are just seeing things so different.

And it was like, I need to take these coaching tools and I need to bring these to homeschool moms and I don't see anybody else doing it. So I'm going to do it. So I would love to have you join me in January.   Yes, that's right. Mason is a whole philosophy. That's why I love it so much. And that's why it's called the Feast Life. So thank you everyone. If  Anything changes in your family dynamic. If you were able to take away any of this and any, how you experienced anything of your holiday differently, please let me know. I would love that. And I will be praying for all of you. So thank you so much. Love you guys.