Welcome to the Feast Life, where we empower you, the modern homeschool mom, to create a life and homeschool you love, one founded on faith, family, freedom, and fun. I'm your host Julie Ross, creator of the award winning homeschool curriculum, A Gentle Feast, and a certified Christian life coach. For more information on today's episode and to access my free gift for you, check out thefeastlife. me. Charlotte Mason once said, life should be all living, not a mere tedious passing of time. So on this show, we seek to savor the feast of life. Girl, grab your favorite beverage and pull up a chair. You are welcome at this table.
Today I'm going to be talking about the three things that you need to focus on in order to crush your goals. So join me in this conversation that I had with the homeschool sisterhood community and I hope that you can learn some valuable tips that are going to help you change your focus and find meaning and purpose in reaching your goals this year.
So I have three secrets to crushing your goals and they all come down to what you're focusing on. So the first one is to focus on the result that you want instead of the how focus on the result.
Instead of the how most of us, when we set goals, we set our goals, things that you are going to do. Let me give you some examples. Okay, I'm going to do whole 30 or 75 hard, or I'm going to have 10, 000 steps a day. Those are all great goals, but they're all how goals. I'm going to meal prep so we don't eat out as much so I can save money so I can pay off a credit card.
A how goal. I'm going to wake up 30 minutes before my kids wake up in the morning. I'm going to have my own personal devotional quiet time. Okay, those are all really great goals. What happens though is what if those things don't work? So what if on day 15 of whole 30, it's really hard and you're really hungry and you're really hangry, right?
And you go, I just give up. I guess I'm never going to lose weight. Or are you doing, I'm going to walk 10, 000 steps and it's been three weeks. And the most you've ever walked in one day is 4, 000 steps. I just, I can't be healthy. This is impossible. It's never going to work with my schedule and the things I have going on in my life.
Or if it's, I'm going to meal prep so I can, we can not eat out. And then there's a day where it's all crazy and you're so exhausted and you go and you order takeout. We're never going to get out of debt. We're never going to be able to save money. And you just stop and that's what happens to so many people when it comes to their goals because they have these how goals and those aren't bad instead of focusing on the result.
When the how goal gets hard or the how goal doesn't work, they think it's impossible to get to the goal. And that's not true. So I want you to shift when you're writing your goals or you're thinking about your goals for 2024. Instead of what's the how that you're going to do, what's the result that you actually want?
Spend some time journaling about that. So maybe the result that you actually want is, I want to feel energized and strong in my body. Or I want to release 10 pounds or whatever it is. If you dry whole 30 and 15 days in, you just haven't been able to keep up with it. And it's too hard with making a food for the kids and making special food for yourself.
You go, okay this isn't really sustainable. I don't think this is really what I can keep doing long term. Let me try something else. Because the goal wasn't just to complete that one program, the goal was to, release 10 pounds or get healthier or whatever it is. If it's, I'm supposed to walk 10, 000 steps and I only walk 4, 000, if the goal is I want to feel strong and energetic in my body, how else can I meet that goal?
Maybe these 10, 000 steps a day. Working because I'm trying to do it at a time when the kids are all cranky, like before dinner and they all need my attention. And maybe I need to do my walk earlier in the day, or maybe I need to find someone in the neighborhood to walk with me, or maybe I need to, bring the kids with me or whatever it is when we focus on the result and we make that a non negotiable.
I'm going to walk 10, 000 steps three times a week, no matter what, then our brain gets to work and it figures out the how it starts to become like a problem solver here and be like, I'm amazed at some of the creative ways we can come to get to a certain result when we're not so locked in and focused on this one, how, and this is the only way I can do it.
And if I can't meal prep, so we don't need out so much, and I'm never going to pay off this credit card. Yeah, you're never going to pay off that credit card because you only have this one how is your only option and when that doesn't work, you give up and when you quit, your result is going to be zero, right?
So if this is a result that you really want, and this is a non negotiable, and this is so important, my life coach uses the term, your why should make you cry. Why do you want this thing? It should mean so much to you. You have to have emotion. It's not oh, it would be nice if we could pay off that credit card.
Yeah, I thought, that's probably a good goal. Good Christian Stewart. I should pay off the credit card. If your goals bore you, you are not going to do them. Okay. So you want to feel so much passion, so much encouragement, so much motivation that like that thing is getting paid off by the end of 2024.
And then when you try to meal prep and eat out and that doesn't work. You come up with a different solution. Maybe I could sell that drum set that Timmy hasn't played with for two years. Maybe we can paint furniture and resell it on Etsy, whatever. Like our brains, God has made us so amazing and so creative.
And there's so many different ways to get to the result that we want. So don't lock yourself in to this how goal. Now it's important to think of. What are the first steps? What could I do? So if my result is that, I really want to feed my own heart, soul, and mind as a mom. And so my first step is I'm going to wake up 30 minutes before the kids do.
And a day happens where the power goes out. My alarm doesn't go off. I get woken up by the kids. They're all in my room and they're all ready to go. Oh no, now I can't have my 30 minutes before the kids all wake up. No. Then your brain gets creative because what's the real focus? The real focus is the result that I want to spend at least 30 minutes every day feeding my mind.
And so I might break away at lunchtime to go read a book for a few minutes while everybody goes and plays in the backyard. I might say, okay, kids I want y'all to go in your room for 30 minutes and here's some Legos to play with. And I'm going to sit out here and have my quiet time still we can come up with multiple solutions for those kinds of things.
So again, focus on what the result is and why you really want it. And then what's the first right step. So often we think we have to have it all planned out. So this is the result I'm going to pay off, this credit card by the end of 2024. So by January 15th, I have to pay out this much. And by February this much, and then life happens.
And then we get all discouraged and oh my goodness, this is never going to work. Rather than going, okay, God, what's the next right step? And I think of the metaphor of if you've ever been in a neighborhood where they have motion detector streetlights, and so you're walking, you know this, you're under a streetlight, you know what's going on.
And then you have to walk down the street. And right before you get to the next streetlight, it is like really dark. And you're like, I hope that next streetlight really turns on. And you have to take that step of faith into some darkness for a little bit, where you don't know what's there, there could be an animal behind that bush, there could be a pothole.
But you take that step of faith anyway, and then that light turns on and okay, this is the step for this moment. I'm gonna try this thing. Our brains learn through trial and error. We think we have to figure out the 15 steps to get where we want to go before we can even take the first step. And so most of us What do we do?
We don't take any steps at all. Only 9 percent of people meet their New Year's goals. Nine. Why? Because we get paralyzed. We overthink everything. We worry. We have fears. What if this happens? Or what if that happens? I don't know. Maybe I'll try this and it won't work. And then I'll feel like a failure.
And so I'm just not going to try. Our brains like to keep us safe. So we want to stay comfortable. Our brains Avoid pain and move towards pleasure, and they like to be comfortable because that uses less energy. So our brains are really trying to work for us, but sometimes they work against us. And so we have to allow ourselves to deal with some of that.
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And that comes to my point number two. You need to focus on your future self instead of who you are right now. So if You were the person that could achieve that goal, whatever it is that you've set for yourself, you would have achieved it by now. You have to grow into the person that can do that thing.
And we don't like to grow and stretch. Like I said, our brains like to keep us safe. Growing and stretching. doesn't feel comfortable. I don't know about you when you, when I was a kid, I had the worst growing pains. I went through this like huge growth spurt in fifth grade. And I just remember waking up in crying cause my legs hurt so bad.
I would wrap them in like ACE bandages and put them in hot water to keep my legs from hurting so bad, like growing hurts. And so the person that we need to become to achieve X, Y, Z goal, we're not that person right now. And we have to realize that. Part of this incredible process of goal setting is who we become along the journey.
Sometimes it's not even, we might never achieve that goal. But the process of refining that we go through on the process of setting that is what is so amazing and that's why I love goal setting so much, even if we don't get to the thing, what we learn about ourselves, how we grow and change as a person and the character that it develops within us to have an actual goal to have some direction in life, which most adults don't.
So if you're setting any sort of goal whatsoever, you're way ahead of the curve here. And it's seeing that growth and working through that resistance and building that mental and emotional resilience to keep trying hard things that is going to change and shape you as a person. We also need to think about who do I need to be?
In order to achieve that goal and start to believe that we could be that person. Like I said, our brains don't like change. So that person over there, oh wow, so she's really disciplined. And oh, that person over there they say no sometimes to the things that they want to buy or that person over there.
They're really confident because they're able to go, go back to school or start a new business or do X, Y, Z. And I don't really feel very confident right now. So I probably can't do that. We need to start to see ourselves. As that person, that's part of the faith of the things that we cannot see, and it's seeing what God sees in us, even when we can't see it.
And think about that, about who you need to be to achieve the goals that you want. There was a study that was done for people who were trying to quit smoking. And, they asked people, why are you trying to quit smoking? Or, no, I'm sorry, they offered the people that were in the study a cigarette.
And some people said, Oh, I'm sorry. I'm no, thank you. I'm trying to quit smoking. And then other people said, Oh, no, thank you. I'm not a smoker. Which group do you think was more successful at quitting? The people who said, I'm trying to quit are the people who said, I'm not a smoker. I can't remember the exact percentage, right?
But it was the people who said, I'm not a smoker. They had taken on that new identity. The goal that I want to reach is I don't want to do these things anymore. And so I need to see myself as a person who doesn't do these things anymore and train my brain to start seeing myself as that. So if I want to be the person that is, you know, doing Whole30 or some other 10, 000 Steps or whatever it is, what identity do I need to have?
So you have to change your mindset. Yeah, exactly. So I need to be a person who makes healthy food choices. I'm a person who prioritizes my physical health. I'm a person who wakes up at 6. 15 to go to the gym. I wasn't that person, right? And so when I wake up at 6. 15, my brain goes, What are you doing?
Get back in the bed. It's cold out here. It's dark, and I would actually tell myself, No, I'm not getting back in bed. I'm a person who gets up at 6. 15 to go to the gym. And as I started to train my brain to see myself as that, it became less and less scary, and it became part of who I am. I'm a person who doesn't eat out. I'm a person who, isn't afraid to look at my finances. That was a big one for me. I told myself I am good with money. I love to balance my checkbook. Now, some of those identities might seem really far fetched at first, especially like that. I love to balance my checkbook.
I still don't, but I'm growing into that. So I keep repeating myself that I just love this. This is so great. And trying to teach my brain that's who I can become. So first of all, we need to focus on the results instead of the how. We need to focus on our future self and part of focusing on that future self is allowing ourselves this process, this growth, this journey to see goal setting, not as either I achieved it or I failed, but to see the actual process in the journey as being the reward in itself.
And then the last thing is we need to focus on habits. Over motivation. So a lot of us set goals and then we try to willpower our way to do it. Charlotte Mason had a lot to say about the way of the will and the way of the reason. So if you haven't read those chapters, I highly recommend them. About how our children approach hard things.
But those same truths apply to us as grown ups. We have to willpower ourselves as well. And so we need to focus on habits and Charlotte Mason talks a lot about this. Over motivation, because what happens is we can will ourselves to do something for a couple days. And oftentimes we'll maybe use a bribe or us, a lot of the homeschool moms I know, including myself.
We're really good at beating ourselves up as a way to try to motivate ourselves to do stuff, which I'm, it's very counterproductive because when I beat myself up and be like, Oh my goodness, I can't believe you ate that donut. You're supposed to be doing whole 30 Julie. That honestly just makes me want to go eat another donut, right?
We are counterproducing ourselves here. But we think in our heads sometimes it's if I'm really mean to myself, that will motivate me. I'll be like a coach, and screaming in my face. No, that just makes me want to like, go get back in bed. Oftentimes, this willpower is only going to take you so far.
And that's when we become discouraged and we think I'm not a person who can do that. And we turn it in on ourselves rather than realizing this really important key. Motivation doesn't come after you do. Motivation doesn't come before you do something. It comes after you take action. So we often think I have to be motivated to go walk 10, 000 steps, or I have to be motivated to come up with a meal planner.
I have to be motivated to, wake up 30 minutes before my kids know. You're not going to be motivated because, like I said, your brain doesn't like that. You're doing something different. Stop. We want to be safe and comfortable. Go back to bed. And so we have to take action. And the more that we take this action, then we get motivated.
So then it's oh, waking up is really nice. Oh, this feels really good to have some time to myself before the kids wake up. Oh, I like this. Oh, I like being outside in nature and feeling energized. Oh, I like going for a walk every day. That motivation comes. After we're doing the action, we want to make whatever our goal is as easy as possible.
Like I said, our brains like comfort. We want to make it habitual. We want it to just run on autopilot. So we're not having to constantly think about it. So whatever it is that your goal is, how can you make it as easy as possible for yourself? Maybe it's, I'm going to lay out my gym clothes right here next to my bed so when I wake up in the morning, I literally trip over them before I can get to the bathroom to remind myself to put these workout clothes on.
I'm going to pay for e meals or I'm going to have some friends over and we're going to exchange freezer meals. There's so many creative options to make it easy, but the more you resist something, the harder it is, the less you're going to want to do it. Make it easy. You know those like Staples easy buttons?
So they did this study where they were it was, this was in England and they were getting people to try to exercise one day a week. And they had a control group. They didn't do anything with them. They just told them to go exercise one time a week. Then they had another group and they gave them a bunch of education on why they should exercise, how it's gonna, lower the risk of heart disease, cancer, blah, blah, blah.
Gave them a lot of information. And then they had the third group. And they told them to come up with a plan. When are you going to exercise one day a week? Where are you going to exercise? How are you going to make it easy for you to exercise? So the control group, 38 percent of them exercised one time a week.
Consistently for the month. The group that got some like education, some knowledge that was going to motivate them. They actually only did 35%. So they did worse than the control group. And then the group that was told to like plan, make it easy. 91 percent of them did it. And so it's planning. And scheduling and making things easy for you, not motivation.
So some of us think if I just take one more class, now, if it's my class, it's okay. No, I'm just kidding. We think, okay, if I read one more book, if I listen to one more podcast, then I'm going to be able to do X, Y, Z. Or if everybody else in my life would just make things easier for me, then I would be able to walk my 10, 000 steps a day, but it's everybody else's fault, right?
Instead of just going No, I'm going to take action, even when I don't feel like it, and to build that mental resilience, to build that habit muscle, Sharat Mason talks about, so that we are able to do those hard things. The best book I've ever read on this is Atomic Habits. So if you have not read that actually, if you go to A Gentle Feast on our blog, I put a list up of my I did an advent actually.
It was the last one of the year. Oh, wow. You guys did it in your book club? Yeah. Oh, yeah. So everybody knows what I'm talking about. Okay. I'm preaching to the choir here, but yeah, I love that. And, he talks about that in this book is where it's getting from about this how you want to make things a habit instead of trying to motivate yourself to do it.
And But on the Dental Fees blog, I have a list of all of like my favorite. Coaching mom, encouragement kind of books on there for the start of the new year. But in atomic habits, he gives this example of the dancer, Twyla Tharp. And she says, I begin each day of my life with a ritual. I wake up at 5 30 AM, put on my workout clothes, my leg warmers, my sweatshirt, and my hat.
I walk outside my Manhattan home, hail a taxi and tell the driver to take me to the pumping iron gym at 91st street where I work out for two hours. The ritual is not the stretching and the weight training I put my body through each morning at the gym. The ritual is the cab. The moment I tell the driver where I need to go, I've completed the ritual.
It's a simple act, but it's doing it the same way each morning. Habitualizes it, makes it repeatable, easy to do. It reduces the chance that I would skip it or do it differently. It is one more item in my arsenal of routines, one less thing to think about. And this book, which I actually have read as well called Daily Rituals, How Artists Work.
Maya Angelou rented a hotel room where she would go and arrive at 6. 30 AM. She'd write till 2 PM and then she went home. She never actually stayed in the hotel. Pulitzer Prize winner Michael Caban writes five nights per week from 10 PM to 3 AM, which. That's amazing to me. I know nobody would be able to understand my writing if I wrote from 10pm to 3am.
Akura Murakami writes, wakes up at 4am, writes for five hours and then goes for a run. So a lot of us, we look at. really creative people and think they just, they go with the flow and when they feel inspired and when they feel motivated, that's when they create their art and write their wonderful poetry and their wonderful books.
But no, most of the most excellent artists, scientists, athletes, anybody who excels at their field has these rituals and these habits and these things that they do, even when they don't feel like it. I was in a course. Working on writing a book, and it was, you write 5, 000 words a day, whether you write, want to or not, and whether it's just gibberish or not, because you're building that habit and you're building that mental muscle.
And it's the same thing with our kids when we're teaching them for school, but we have to learn how to do this ourselves first, right? I hear all the time, how can I motivate my child to do their schoolwork? I'm like, you can't. They're like, what? How can I motivate you to go to the gym? Same question, right?
How can I motivate you to stop putting money on a credit card? I can't do that. Can I, we can make it easy. We can make things habitual for our kids, we can, but like that study with the exercising I talked to you about it, they didn't need more knowledge of why they should go to the gym, they needed a plan, they needed to make it easy.
Oftentimes we need accountability, we need somebody who's our coach and our support, and who's going to be there at the gym to make sure we do it and when we want to give up after doing eight reps they're like nope, two more so we need to be that kind of person. Person for kids, but we need to be that person for ourselves too and allow ourselves to go.
It's okay We all get off track get back up. Let's keep going or the ability like i'm No, i'm saying edison said, you know I've figured out 999 ways not to invent a light bulb to have see that not as a failure But as a good thing. So when we try something to reach our result and it doesn't work, don't quit right away.
I always have people, work through that resistance and some of those negative emotions and learn to process those emotions. I think that's the hardest part of working through on your goals and trying to achieve the dreams and the vision that God has for you is working through some of those hard emotions and mindset.
At least it was for me. But again, cause our brains like to keep us safe and doesn't want us to do that thing. That's feels so scary and put ourselves out there into the world. But in addition to that, we need to realize that it's not a failure if we decide to, whatever it was, whatever the how was, Oh, now I'm going to try something else.
To realize And oftentimes like in business, they tell you to fail fast to realize, okay, that didn't work. Now I'm going to try this new thing. Okay. And people say to me all the time Oh, I tried to do like this chore chart with my kids and I just wasn't consistent about it. And I've tried so hard to like, come up with some sort of system to help us do chores and nothing I try has worked.
I'm like, Oh, okay. So tell me what you did try. I tried this chore chart and we had these stickers and they were like color coded it. But by like week two, like I totally forgot to switch the kids colors. And it just didn't work. Okay, what else did you try? That was it.
I was like, okay, so you tried everything there was, right? And again, it's focusing on this one thing. And if this one thing doesn't work, rather than focusing on the result. And then oftentimes too, We neglect the other two things I just said. So we don't see ourselves as a person who is consistent, a person who loves to help their children learn how to do their chores.
We have to change our identity. Cause if I'm seeing myself as someone who never sticks with anything, guess what? I'm not going to stick with things. I'm going to give up when I have resistance or the kids don't want to do it, or I don't feel like it. And then we have to focus on habits over motivation.
So how can we make this easy? Okay. Maybe I need to put. little baskets together with all the cleaning supplies. I don't have to run around the house. Where's the Windex? And it's all here in this little cubby. And maybe I need to make it really easy for my kids where I walk them through it or I have little picture cards or whatever.
The point is to be creative and allow our minds to think about these things in a different way. So again, focus on the how, no, focus on the results instead of the how. Focus on your future identity. And what you, how you need to show up in order to achieve those goals and then focus on your habits instead of motivation.
And those three things are going to make such a difference in how you show up and try to achieve your goals this year.
Hey there, Julie Ross here. I just wanted to say thank you for listening to today's episode. If you like this show, it would mean the world to me. If you would leave a positive review in iTunes, this really does help people learn about the podcast and each month I will pick a winner to receive a free gift. Don't forget to check out all the free resources we created for you at thefeastlife. me. Thank you.
